Milestones

I have been away from blogging for six months.  I have thought about posting some things, but felt like my next post should be about Daddy, and to be perfectly honest, I just haven't felt strong enough to do it.

But, here I am ... approaching the 5 month marker of his death.  It is still very painful.  I have never lost someone close to me before.  Grandparents - yes, but it isn't the same.  I wondered how I would feel, for years leading up to his death, I wondered how would I react, what would the days be like after he was gone, and it has been nothing like I expected.  I had pictured grief to be more intense and more quickly over.  I have come to learn, in fact that it is indeed intense, but not in the way I had thought.  And it goes on, for a long time.  I grieve for Daddy every day, almost exactly the way I felt when my sister first called me to tell me he was gone.  I miss him so much, and wish I could talk to him.  I miss the sound of his voice, his hugs, his advice and news, the weather reports and family updates, and talking about cooking.  Daddy wasn't only a father, he was a close friend.

He and Mama would've been married for 50 years on October 1st of 2012.  My sister and I had planned a very nice reception for them in their hometown.  Family and friends had been sent invitations and we were working final details on their cake -- they were to have a formal wedding cake, since they never had a proper wedding reception when they were married (they eloped).  The decorations had been decided on and I was planning to arrive several days early to help get everything ready for the party.  However, the party was not to happen -- Daddy passed away one week before the event, just a few days away from the 50 year milestone.  Friends that had planned to attend their celebration party now attended his funeral.  It seems sad, but to me this milestone is the happy part.  To me, they made their 50 years, plus some.  A few days doesn't take away from this achievement.

Since Daddy died, there have been more milestones -- first holidays without Daddy, first month without talking to him -- and there will be more.  But life is full of these moments.  When I think about life and death, there are times when you are completely helpless.  No matter how much I loved my Daddy, no matter how much time or money or effort we spent on his health or his care or anything else that might prolong, or sustain his life -- in the end, we are helpless when death arrives.  Death comes and takes you and there is nothing you can do.  Although I am a Christian (I believe in heaven and hell, and the death of Christ on the cross for payment of my sins so that I might be reconciled to God), when it comes to human death, the only thing that we have is faith.  I have come face to face with this fact since Daddy died.  I have always believed that Christ is our only hope, but truly -- when I think about where my Daddy is today -- I just have to trust God.  There is nothing else that I can do.  We can live our lives devoted to whatever we choose -- to our career, our family, a cause, even to our Lord.  But in the end, all we can do is trust God.

I am so grateful that my hope is in Christ.
Isaiah 53:5-6
Romans 3:23
Romans 6:23
Romans 5:8
Romans 10:13
Hebrews 7:25

My parents, Sandy and Zeke Spence
Married October 1, 1962

PS -  Daddy and Mama are both believers and followers of Christ.